Friday, May 21, 2010

Day 209

I took yesterday off from work because of my cold but went to work today. Well the pills that the doctor has given me has me a bit dizzy. Once I get moving around or talking a lot then I start coughing up a storm again. I have decided to take the weekend off exercising and I will start again on Monday with Zumba. Lets see if I can make it more then one day exercising next week!

Yesterday I was looking at my BMI and virtual images of what I looked and will look like I looked up my highest weight. From the highest weight I have ever been I am down 47 pounds. I am pretty sure that I am the lowest I have ever been since I have been with Chris. The one thing I don't get is any compliments. Sometimes I wonder if he even notices. Sometimes I think he doesn't want me to weigh less. No one really pays attention to the fat girl. I have just noticed a change in the way he acts when we go out. Since we met I always said I was going to lose weight and this is the first time I ever have lost enough to notice.

I also realize that as the weight comes off I have nothing to hide behind. I have always felt "safe" when I was bigger. Things have happened to me more then once when I was 120 pds. I felt like as long as I was bigger though I was safe. I don't want to look at myself, why would anyone else. I ended up learning that size, fat and lack of self confidence does not stop anyone.

I haven't had these feelings come back up until recently. I feel like the more weight I lose the more strength I will lose. It scares me and I think that is why I haven't been pushing myself to weigh less and why I am alright with maintaining right now. I am in the smallest size that I have been in, in over 10 years. I do want to hit my goal weight but I am scared. I am scared about what might happen to me. I have been looking at my weight and I want to lose 30 more pounds but what would 30 more pounds do to me?

Some how I have to get over this hurdle to get the scale moving. I can't be stuck at this weight. I am still considered overweight. Somehow I have to get past this mental block though. This is nothing I have brought up with my husband. Not sure if I should or not....


LaurenD said...

I am assuming something bad has happened to you in your past. I have also dealt with something bad (I do not want to out you on your blog or make you say what happened) but here is my email
we can email and chat about it and maybe see if we can come up with some solutions to change your way of thinking and also what to tell your husband :)

Marcelle said...

I cant personally understand what you feeling right now as I have never wanted to hide behind being overweight, I feel more confident and myself when I'm slimmer and totally the opposite when I gain weight.
When I gain I want to hide.
I've gained 4 kgs and cant get to gym as I dont want the members to see my gain....

Fran said...

I've never hide behind my body. As a person I'm still the same as I was at my heaviest weight.

Ask Chris for a compliment! R. doesn't give them either but sometimes I say something like "hey don't I look good in these pants" and he says yes. That's enough for me.
And I've caught him a few times that he was talking to other people and didn't think I could hear him and he was saying that I've lost a lot of weight and that I'm a runner now :)

Have a great weekend Sarah!

dawne said...

I think it's a huge step that you are seeing a connection between what happened to you and how much you want to weigh.

I think the issue is more common than we think - woman hiding behind weight to "protect" themselves, if you will.

I know, it scares me that I become too flirtatious when I am thinner. Inappropriately so. It's something I really have to watch, because I am committed to my marriage and family 100%.

I think it's a deep enough issue to talk with someone about - a professional, someone who's been through it, a trusted friend...

I wouldn't brush it off as a "mental block" that you have to bet past Sarah. It's pretty serious stuff and you're a really special person, so it's worth working through.

Hugs to Sarah!

Katie J said...

I am with Dawne. You are a special person and it would be worth it for you to talk to someone about it. If that is not an option maybe you could do some reading on the subject and try some of the tools others have used to overcome it.

Lacey said...

If Chris isn't giving you compliments, you need to ask him for them! I know that guy loves you more than words can even say, and seeing as how most guys don't say that much to begin with, well... You gotta just ask! :-)

As far as the other stuff, I'm not sure what to say except what other people have. I know you're smart and tough and determined and can work through anything!

Sunshine Mama said...

I just commented on another gal's blog who is working through the same thing as you. She was abused and now that she is losing weight she is being more noticed by men. She is also married.

It's definitely an issue that not only you are dealing with but perhaps your husband as well. There is so much tied into how we look...more than we realize I think. He may be having feeings that he doesn't understand or is even aware of.

Maybe just ask him what he thinks of your weight loss? He obviously supports you as attested by his gifts aimed at helping you meet your goals. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting him know you that one of your "love languages" is words of affirmation. Have you ever read the book about the different love languages?

Anyway, I support you and think you're doing a great job!